Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
You Might Also Like
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
every olympics i turn into this guy
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
PARKOUR
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four