Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
*cough*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.