Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Stop sending me this shit.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Body by Oreos
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones