Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
saving face 👀
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?