Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

best first i’ve ever seen

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.