Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My Plans 2020
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
hamburger doesn’t need your help.