Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday