Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now