Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
What
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
