Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
