Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
asking santa clause for nudes
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
This a good idea
why would tinder want me to say this
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
the council will decide your fate
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news