Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?