Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.