Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Realize this:
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.