Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
