Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you