Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️