Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.