every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?