every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I can’t wait!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
This headline is a thing of beauty
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.