every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
2022 be like
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.