Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
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Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?