Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
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“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog