Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*