every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
#oldknees
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is