every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.