every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Finally! 😈
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from