Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

What the dentist sees

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.