Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda