Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Fidel Castro was alive?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me