Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
bears
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
#Caturday
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude