Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
You Might Also Like
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change