Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*lint rolls you awake*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
dril cadence
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.