Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*watches the world burn*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil