Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

i guess his teacher was really pissed

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Printer ink is expensive

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him