Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”