Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.