Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Time heals everything 🙂

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.