Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
How does someone manage that 🤨
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
pictures of spider-man
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.