Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
placebo pills? more like sike meds
I missed you with all my darts
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
The jeans are skinny. I’m not