Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
This is me 🤣🤣
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?