Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.