Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
✌🏽
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Worst bar ever.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!