I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.