I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Life cycle of cat
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.