Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
HER: I’m really into the outdoors type.
ME: [trying to impress] I’m homeless.