every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again

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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.


ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.


[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt


*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”


I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great


what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings


Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.


Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting


Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…


[first date]

HER: I’m really into the outdoors type.

ME: [trying to impress] I’m homeless.