Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Doggies just call it style.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.