Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.