Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

i baked you a cake

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”