every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.