Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”

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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes


Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute


*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”


One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward


At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.


God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell


I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.


hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both


If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?