Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”
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Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?