@bobbiejo448

Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”

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@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@cool_as_heck

Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute

@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

@BigJDubz

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

@drearydoug

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@RidiculousSheri

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?