Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

I never needed anything more in my life

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

when you are just born a rebel

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread