Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

My Plans 2020

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…