Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?