Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I don’t think my car can fly
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When you don’t understand how floors work
