Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare