Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Generation gap…

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Mountain Goat : )

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.