every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye