every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”