Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Haha! 😂
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.