Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?