Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

🔥🔥

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

<—- homeless romantic

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.