Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece