Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
You Might Also Like
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
This guy’s not having it 😆
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Now colored!
There are usually two types of merchants.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Thank you corporation very cool
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.