Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

Once again not all heroes wear capes

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?