Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.