Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
You Might Also Like
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
incredible book dedication
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.