Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Lmao
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.