Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
a lot to unpack here
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”